The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read

Philippa Pery

Book Link : https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/42348818-the-book-you-wish-your-parents-had-read

Takeaway Learning

• Children do not do what we say, they do what we do.
• Rather than judging, we should appreciate.
• Change the way of argument, rather than starting with “you,” start with “I.” For example, instead of saying “As you didn’t,” replace it with “I am hurt because it didn’t.” Arguments start when someone feels offended or taken for granted.
• key to a successful partnership: Be responsive and interested.
• We should talk and consider their feelings seriously, as they will know that there is someone to understand their feelings; otherwise, they will hide.
• If a child knows they will be seen and soothed but not judged by you, they are more likely to tell you what is going on for them.
• Never suppress or overreact to a child’s feelings; instead, acknowledge, appreciate, and inspire them, but do not judge or set standards.
• None of us is perfect, and we all make mistakes. It is not the mistakes that matter so much; it’s how we put them right.

• Most of the time, humans do not want to be corrected; instead, they want to be recognized. If you treat your child’s sadness, anger, and fears not as negatives to be corrected but as opportunities to learn more about them and to connect with them, then you will deepen your bond with them.
• This is a truth that should be universally acknowledged: when you try to block out a ‘negative’ feeling, you remove positive feelings too. Emotions don’t have a mixing board – they just have a master volume. You can’t fade out sadness and pain and fade up happiness and joy. You turn one down, they all go down. This is a truth as I don’t feel happy as I suppressed the anger.
• Besides, if your child wants something you do not want them to have, like your car key, say, they need to learn they cannot have it rather than just being temporarily distracted away from it. They need to hear that you don’t like them playing with your key rather than hearing you say something like ‘Ooooh, look at this dolly.’ You can help them with their frustration rather than distracting them from it by saying, ‘You are angry that I can’t let you have the key. I can hear you are furious about it.’ If you stay calm and contain your child’s feelings, this is how they will learn to contain them. It might feel like a longer process than simply distracting them away from the key, but the time invested will help them internalize these skills for themselves.
• If you repeatedly distract your child from what they feel or from their experience, you are also unwittingly discouraging them from being able to concentrate.
• Your child will be more likely to feel secure if you are calm, firm, and optimistic.
• Whichever philosophy (regulator/facilitator) you are more inclined to follow, remember that acceptance, warmth, and kindness are the things that matter most when it comes to our children.
• A further study has shown that babies kept on their mothers’ bodies in skin-to-skin contact cry far less than those kept in a cot next to their mothers.

• The first experience of anything forms the deepest impression.
• It’s very common for them to want only you and not willingly go to other people. It’s because they are securely attached – a good thing – but have not yet developed what psychotherapists call ‘object permanence.’ This is the ability to feel someone or something exists when they cannot see them or it.
• Feelings of loneliness trigger a state of hyper-vigilance for social threat and rejection, making us super-sensitive to possible rejection or coolness. And when we expect social threat, we can behave in ways that are more likely to get us rejected. Even though we may feel on the edge, we fear putting ourselves back into the center again in case we are rebuffed – and therefore we pull ourselves even further away from people. This is how expecting to be rejected can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• What feeling can cause more harm:
  • Feeling of loneliness: created when the responder neglects the call of the child.
  • Feeling of judgment or self-judgment.
  • Feeling of comparison (superior/inferior).

• Having feelings accepted and soothed is the foundation for good mental health.
• Firstly, do not attempt sleep nudging before your child is six months old.
• Children do not need more than a few simple toys: a couple of toy cars, a cardboard box, a square of material, a doll, a bear, a few bricks, and a child is set up. Some dressing-up clothes can fire imagination too. More is not better. If they only have a few toys – one drawer or chest of toys, and some craft materials such as paint and paper – then each thing can have its place to be returned to after play.

• There are four skills we all need to develop to become socialized and behave conveniently:
  • Being able to tolerate frustration.
  • Flexibility.
  • Problem-solving skills.
  • The ability to see and feel things from other people’s point of view.

• The best way of getting your kids interested in chores, for example filling and emptying the dishwasher, is to let them play with whatever it is when they are toddlers (remember: play is work). They will keep imitating you when you cooperate with their play, and they will cooperate with you.
• Putting feelings into words can really shift them along.
• Three models of parenting:
  • Disciplined or restrictive.
  • Lax.
  • Collaborative.

• Acknowledging and validating feelings – our own and our children’s – is important, not only for our own and their mental health but as a way of understanding our triggers, our children’s triggers, and for gaining a deeper knowledge of why we all behave how we do.
• If you’re telling lies – or omitting information – to protect children from the reality of a situation, what you are doing is dulling their instincts. You are telling them something different from what they will be sensing and feeling.
• If a child lies – or engages in any other behavior you’d rather change – instead of reacting, look to the reasons and feelings behind the lie or the behavior. If you understand and validate those feelings, you give them a chance to find more acceptable ways of expressing themselves and their needs.
• Speak calmly, kindly, and firmly; do what you said you would do and be consistent. The advantage of not issuing empty threats, of following through with a physical removal, is that your child really does learn to take you seriously.

• Laughing/smiling kills the negativity.
• Don’t pretend your decisions are grounded in facts when, in fact, they are grounded in your own feelings and preferences.
• You put aside any blocks from your own childhood that inhibit your warmth and acceptance, physical touch, physical presence, and understanding.
• You create a safe, harmonious home environment where differences can be worked through safely.
• You accept your child needs play with people of all ages, soothing experiences, and a lot of your attention and time.
• You can see situations from your child’s point of view as well as your own.
• You can help your child’s need to find ways to express how they really feel (rather than how you wish they felt), and you can validate and attempt to understand their feelings (and your own).
• You don’t rush in to rescue them but help them find their own solutions by allowing them to brainstorm and come up with answers to their problems, and not being in a rush to tell them what to do.
• You put down your boundaries by defining yourself rather than telling them what they are like.
• You accept that you will make mistakes. You can be non-defensive about those mistakes and repair the situation by owning the mistake and making any necessary changes.
• You put aside old dynamics like winning and losing and instead take up cooperation and collaboration.